straight people, get a life!

Ever gotten that sense of self-revulsion and embarrassment when you find your hands automatically clicking on a predictable and shallow advice column on dating, sex, love or relationships? I must confess that it is a rare day that goes by when I haven't clicked on some pseudo-psychology column written by seemingly eminent PhDs and supported by the most suspicious of surveys. Why are these little columns so addictive?  

At the surface level, there is the obvious - anyone involved in dating and love issues is often in puzzling, murky territory and and there is nothing wrong in resorting to some pop psychology suggestions to figure out if things are working out or wondering if you're reading every line and signal wrong. Sounds harmless enough so far. But....

It is the actual advice and the reality about straight men and women that it posits which is deeply perturbing. These days, I find that people are bored to tears about any debate that harks back to gender relations, gender representations and gender equality. The idea that kiosks filled with women posing half-naked, half-starved on magazine covers are being objectified, or the fact that the US is weak on strong female leaders, or that our obsession with celeb weddings and princess gowns keep us confined in a tight heteronormative bind are all notions that people roll their eyes at. The list of excuses is long and analytically abortive: so passe, so lame, we are so over it, this aint the fifties, I already fulfilled my gender bender college course requirement, I have a gay friend....so on and so forth. 

Nothing reflects the backward and constantly regressing mode of our heterosexual selves as these advice columns. Loosely speaking,they are divided into a few main categories - dating, understanding men and sexual tips. The sexual tips category more or less fulfills the role of erotica, the highly narrativised tips are meant to titillate and offer a little sneaky reading pleasure. While it is not exactly a progressive way of discussing sex, at least the focus on female orgasms redeems these passages a little bit. 

It is the other two categories that confine themselves to a biblical and chauvinistic ideal of male-female relations. Lets look at the most basic dating rules. This website gets to the heart of the issue when they claim: "In every society there are a predefined set of social rules we follow, from the way and timing of eating to the way we behave in public. The issue here is that when women date, there are some things that can help them be more successful." Sigh. Pretty grim start here already. Ladies, get ready to shove yourself into this box!
The same old tips have been constantly regurgitated in advice columns across the board - "Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything." or "Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to." The intensity with which women are being told to restrain themselves and to allow a man to feel like some kind of superstar is actually disturbing. In this article the author suggests, "Be a good listener. The purpose of this strategy is twofold. A man likes a woman who isn’t a conversation hog. He wants the opportunity to shine in your eyes by trotting out his tried-and-true tales." Here is another gem: "Try to have fun. Your life does not hang in the balance. It’s just a date. All you’re really doing is hanging out for a few hours with a new acquaintance. Lighten up" How can any woman have fun or lighten up under the stress of such an unequal balance of things? To look amazing, to barely speak up, to control sexual desires and then also have fun! Nothing short of preposterous. 

The most insidious advice however falls in the "What Men Really Think" section of the self-help world. It all begins with how you should look. Not only must you be completely comfortable with yourself and not try too hard but you should also be completely uncomfortable with yourself and try really hard. Read some horrifying tips here in this "scientifically proven" article - putting on a red dress and red lipstick are apparently key and then there are things like laughing at everything he says, shaking your hips when you walk and here's the craziest: "subtly mimic him" as in, "Blatant copying won’t score you any points, but when he scratches his face, scratch yours a few seconds later. If he says, “Do you go to many of these speed-dating events? echo his words with, “No, I don’t go to many of these speed-dating events.” Might sound funny on paper, but maybe he’ll return your call now." We are clearly in the realm of the loony here and also unabashed contradiction, especially since one of the other advice includes "being yourself."

The good girl syndrome and the angelic vs slutty binary is also promoted pretty shamelessly. This article has all the tenets  -- being the good woman, being sexy but not trampy, never pressuring him and never ever making the first move. Unfortunately, these columns only get worse when it comes to getting your guy to marry you or when they tell you to figure out that he is not quite interested in commitment. The ones that claim he IS interested are sometimes just plain crazy, such this one which insists that he is interested because, "His nostrils flare and his face generally "opens". The raised brows, parted lips, flaring nostrils and wide eyes give the whole face a friendly "open" expression." Yikes! I think unless you have a special fetish for flared nostrils, this one is a no-go!

By now you get my drift. My main point is that this is not harmless, low-commitment reading but in fact, loaded with special messages for women and ways in which they can suppress themselves. The portrait of an average straight woman in these is terribly tragic - desperate, sexually constrained, marriage-obsessed, submissive, self-righteous and awfully dull. The men portrayed are no less pathetic - desperately in need of an ego boost, they go through life relying on social mating rules to get a laugh for their jokes and get a good kiss from a woman who's spent some time practicing in a mirror, they are presumably sloppy and woman are to love them for this, they are averse to partnership even though it is clear they would be lucky to as much as get a glance from some babe. No to mention the flaring nostrils and eyebrow flashes. 

Does life display some similarities to the men and women being portrayed in these columns? Sure! But it has become a chicken and egg question. Is it advice, the rules, the horrible gender inequalities that came first or is it the men and women who allowed for such roles and dynamics to develop? It really doesnt matter because they are only getting more and more legitimacy with each passing day. Unless you, straight people, get your think on!