movies to avoid in the next few months

1. Machine Gun Preacher

Racism Alert!

Some white guy tries to save "Africa." Again! The trailer is totally insidious showing a towering man in safari suit bending over masses of young black kids as a disheveled red-head aid-worker type looks at him adoringly. Then there are the trucks blowing up, red-eyed "African" militants running amok, giant wooden crosses being mounted, a miscast Gerard Butler foolishly banging on desks asking to save children and random yet consensual "African" men looking on at him in admiration. Need I say more? Even though it is directed by the nuanced Marc Forster and even if the trailer may be misrepresenting the actual film, the whole premise is starkly racist and imperialist. Not to mention, utterly cliche.

2. Ides of March

Intellectual Hogwash Alert!

I can just imagine the casting meeting for this movie - "just find every intellectually smug actor in town, put him in a suit and have him parade around with a creased brow." There's a lot of high-stakes dialogue about election campaigns, the wrong man, the mistake, the leaked story but its still impossible to figure out what this movie is about. It seems entirely premised on the illusion that when Clooney, Gosling and Seymour Hoffman get together, something important is going to take place. Why then bother with a plot, a script or even a comprehensible premise. Sadly, this one may haunt us till the Oscars.

3. 50/50

Sexism Alert!

Here comes another dude movie glorifying oversmart, overweight characters that have overtaken Hollywood. This time their endless male-bonding is interrupted not by women, but by cancer. Nothing could be more unbearable than the fast-talking, fake vulnerability of Seth Rogen and the expressionless, cutesy, hipster histrionics of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Apart from the usual jokes about pubic hair trimmers and marijuana, these guys will try to pick up chicks using the cancer card. Plain ugh.

4. Abduction

Brain Drain Alert!

Lets call this what it is - an excuse to see Taylor Lautner flaunt his body! From what starts off as a promising psychological thriller about stolen identity, a whole patchwork of thriller and mystery plots suddenly appear and some talk of a wanted asset. Main mystery though is how John Singleton went from Boyz in the Hood to directing our favorite werewolf running around town destroying stuff. Everyone is constantly mouthing something very grave and technical but I can promise you this is going to be dumb and dumber.

5. The Double

Cold War Nostalgia Alert!

It begins with a telling shot of a flag flying over the Capitol building and soon enough, its about the return of Soviet assassins called "Cassius 7." I almost fell asleep as I typed that line. Richard Gere is terribly serious as he hunts down the killers with all kinds of gratuitous violence thrown in. Patriotism, nationalist propaganda and blatant stereotyping aside, when will Hollywood actually get the memo about the Cold War? It really is over.